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try2bebeautiful
try2bebeautiful
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take chances. ♥

tell the truth. date someone totally

wrong for you. say no.spend all ur

cash. say yes. sleep an entire day.

tell a story. fall in love.♥

get to know someone random. be

random. say iloveyou. laugh. cry.

get revenge. apologize.tell someone

how much they mean to you.drink

until the bottles empty. sing out

loud. tell them what u feel.

let someone kno wat there missing.

laugh until your stomach hurts.

LiVE LiFE

Current Location: room
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: picture perfect-ashley parker angel =P

add many more water bottles to my previous entry =]

and incase you were wondering...
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/0830.html

food:
2 calcium chews (40) staple
5 brussel cookies ahhhh (250) badddddd
1 skinny cow bar (110) yum
1 water bottle
asparagus (10) veggies =]
vegetable lo-mein (150) blah mom made me
dark chocolate (230) antioxidant!!
exercise:
last nite- walked around the neighborhood for a while =]
today- went on a cleaning frenzy..lifting heavy boxes..organizing everything..all day..lots of exercise =]
Total=790 cals
pretty good day =] ..minus the cookie binge
later lovelys<3<3

Current Location: room
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: lovely cd made by my love =]

so i woke up around 10
got ready..which is a pain to do every morning when you hate the way you look =[
i wish i could just stay in bed & sleep forever & never look in a mirror =[
but thats not an option...so i got ready & studied for my math regents a little bit
my mom made me eat breakfast
so i had a little bit of kashi cereal (100)
and she made me drink a glass of orange juice w/ calcium (100)
not to mention the 2 calcium chews i hafta take every morning (40)
so then my ride came & it was off to take the math regents
it was hard..rly hard..well not that hard..but i didnt study nearly enough..& i made careless mistakes
but watever..im not guna worry about it..i tried & theres nothing i can do now
so i came home..its such a beautiful day out..the weather is amazing..i went outside with the dog for a little bit
my mom wasnt home..bad news..thats when i tend to binge..go on my little raves that i hate
so i started off with a nice healthy apple (70)
but that did nothing to satisfy to craving for pleasure..comfort..that sorta thing that i needed
so i had 2 slices of cheese (120)
still craving..
heated up some salmon (50)
then was craving my worst nightmare..CHOCOLATE
yea so as u can say...once i start eating..i cant stop..my mind says MORE MORE MORE
its a chemical imbalance in the brain...it wants to be filled with pleasure..it wants more..its WANTS WANTS WANTS
when i drink..i get wasted...to the point where i need to call 911...bc my mind tells me MORE MORE MORE
im trying to avoid drinking
when i smoke...my mind tells me MORE MORE...trying to avoid that too
when i cut...CANT STOP KEEP GOING...trying to avoid that as well
im sure that if i had access to drugs i would be a freakin junkie!! bc i cant stop anything...i need need need..i wish i could just be happy..just be satisfied..but i cant..i cant do it on my own..i need something..alcohol..drugs..pain..ANYTHING..but the recent thing is food..and food has become a drug for me..i cant hav a normal relationship with anything anymore..im a substance abuser..and when i say substance..i mean anything..im an abuser..im always empty..always needing to be temporarily satisfied with something that will leave me even hungrier..not physically hungry..but that will leave my mind hungrier for more...so anyway...back to my day..
i was craving chocolate
so i NEEDED it
i searched the house
became desperate
searched all the draws
and FINALLY i found a bag of chocolate truffels..a whole closed bag in the back of a cabinet in my living room..i think it was a christmas gift..so ofc i take the whole bag..bring it into my room..(my cave of all evils)..and i start chowing down..wanting more so i cant multitask..this chocolate was the only thing that mattered at the moment..and i couldnt keep my hands off of it till it was gone...the WHOLE bag..and once it was gone,,(880) cals later..(OMGOMGOMG)ughhh that disgusts me..its so painful to say 880 cals..UUUGGGGGHHHHHH...my mom finally came home & it was time for me to go to my therapist...so i went..had a water bottle...(i had more water today jsut forgot to write that)...so my therapy session was scary.,..she put me in a state of hypnosis & brought me to the doctors office (mentally) & "got my blood drawn"...it was bad..i had to do it multiple times...n this may sound dumb since i didnt rly get any blood drawn..but its all in my mind..and it is a deathly phobia for me..and it was rly hard for me to do..i had to fight back tears..so she wanted me to schedule an appt to actually get my blood drawn TMM MORNING...im sry lady but im not getting over it that quick!! u expect me to overcome my extreme fear in one session?? i dont think soo!!!!! so i went along with it...didnt scedule an appt to get my blood drawn...still terrified of the thought of it..& that was unproductive
so i came home..feeling sick from the chocolate binge..and my sister made me a burrito without even asking so ofc i had to eat it..(50 cals)...now i feel even sicker...i want to purge sooo bad but i cant..i am sticking to my promise..i will NOT binge....i want to SOOO BADDDD AHHHHHHHHHHH...its killing me..then i had bad diarhhea (sry..graphic)...bc of the bad foods my body isnt used to...and now i still feel sick..have a massive headache..and am feeling rly anxious...well this entry is extremely long...i hafta go call my friend bc i promised her id hang out..if she cant im goin to the beach with my loves...im hopin i go to the beach even tho i love my friend b/c i havnt been there in a while..and my love is guna be there =]
later lovelys <3<3
oo by the way...cal intake for today = 1410
OOOOOOMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG
i havnt had that many cals in the longest timeee
like amonth
that is soooo disgusting
the chocolate def. did the damage
i am not eating anymore today
i am not eating tmm
i am exercising as much as possible
im gross
i suck
the end =]

Current Location: room
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: bye bye beautiful-coheed&cambria

1 whole weat waffle (90)
1 water bottle
1 small piece of salmon (50)
1 cup applesauce (100)
4 small latkes (200) yikes
1 cookie (80 cals) bad bad bad
1 water bottle
1 water bottle
vegetable lomein (100)
2 dixie cups (200) badbadbadbadbadbad

TOTAL = 820

horrribleeeeeee
wayyyyyy too many cals
yuck yuck yuck
im gross
i want to purge
i cant purge
i hafta stop binging
since i cant purge
bc then i will be fat
ahhhhhhhhhh
i cant wait till i start working
i wont be home all day
so i wont eat all day
yayyy =]
& ill be running around all day in the hot sun...which means i will be burning off lots of cals =]
im soo excited i cant wait
my math regents is tmm
i still havnt studied yet
why?
bc im dumbbbbbbbbb
bye lovelys<3

Current Location: room
Current Mood: guiltyguilty
Current Music: wish you were here-radiohead version

skinny cow icecream (140 cals ugh)
couple handfuls of honey bunches of oats cereal (120 cals ugh)
5 water bottles
banana (90 cals)
sweet potato (54 cals)
chicken (50 cals)
salad-lettuce,cherry tomatoes,peppers w/ ranch dressing (50 cals)
3 cookies (150 cals ughhh)
1 walnut brownie (100 cals ughhhh)
glass of skim milk (80 cals)
TOTAL = 834 cals omg omg omg omg
wow im totally freaking out
too many cals too many cals grosssssssssss
so as u can c...sweets are my weakness..especially when my mom makes them n stuffs them in my face =[ ughh i wish they never existed..they scream FATTTTT ugh
and on top of how horrible i feel for eating all that crap...im laying down on the couch studying for my dumbass global regents that im guna bomb..& my dad goes..."look at that stomach hanging out!! it must be the brownies!!" ughhhh yyy does he need to make comments like that?i already feel horrible...that just makes it even worse =[ so normally i would go purge after consuming all that crap..especially after my dad made that comment...but im not guna..its bad for you & i promised my best friend i wouldnt...so yea ugh all i wanna do rite now is purge soo badly but i cant...i feel like imgoin through freakin withdrawal...it sux majorly..i dont wanna be fat..but i dont want to be bulimic either...so i will just hafta deal.....so today was a nice day at my friends pool with all my best friends...my bestfriend/boyim in love with rode his bike to my house & then we walked together to my other best friends house..it took 1 hr...it was rly far away..a whole lot of exercise...but it was nice out & it felt good to exercise & work up a sweat & get some color & spend some quality time with my love =] so then i went swimming for a while...sooo nice...so that was more exercise...& tanned for a while...sweat off a bunch of cals...& got great color =]...i was uncomfortable being in a bikini for the first time this summer..but i got over it after a while..i ate a lot infront of my friends so they wouldnt think i was lying about trying to overcome my e.d....so that sucked..i felt like i had to constantly shove food in my mouth so they would get off my back..so anyway..today was another fat day..& im super anxious & stressed about regents..but cant wait to get them over with..later loves <3<3

someone just instant messaged me with the s/n jabeth45
i am so sry but my computer went all out of wack on me like it usually does..& i dont kno who that s/n is
pls dont take it personally & im rly sry...but i would rly appreciate it if whoever that is would reply to this post & tell me
thanks<3<3

ok so i just got home from a doctors appointment...here are my new stats:

5'3 1/2 (50th percentile for height...yayyy i grew an inch =])
106 lbs (25th percentile in weight..=[ boo..that made me upset =[)
BMI: 18.8 (=[ boo..im not even considered underweight..the underweight BMI is lower than 18.5 ughh)
but if i lose 2 lbs then my BMI is 18.4..which is considered underweight..im weight pretty much changes daily so yea

anyway..regarding my health..i got bad news...my doctor thinks that im anemic..i think i am too because i have all the symptoms..it makes sense..this rly sux..i hafta get bloodwork done...i hav such a deathly phobia of bloodwork its horrible...just tlkaing about it or thinking about it or seeing blood or needles makes me cry..pass out..stop breathing..all of that..so yea im pretty much freaking out a lot..i saw my therapist aftermy checkup & shes guna start working with me on getting over my phobia..its guna be along process & im soo scared..ugh im soo anxious now..anyway..im off to the beach with my best friends..including my best guy friend that im in love with along with my friends big brother that i have a thing with currently..this should be interesting..i need some support everyone!! is there anyone else that is anemic or going through something similar? thanks<3

Current Location: room
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: why is love so hard to find-jesse mcartney =P

...that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.

...that when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint to mar its virgin purity.

...that I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

i just purged up my dinner of shrimp scampi w/ angel hair pasta & salad w/ tomatoes 7 ranch dressing
it took me soooo long to purge it all up..imust hav eaten a lot
it took me about 7 times to get all the pasta out & i dont even kno if i got it all out
i only got some of the salad out
i wish i could jus purge allll my dinner out at once
i still feel fat & disgusting..even tho i just purged everything i ate
why does this happen? is it normal to still feel & look fat after purging? (i was skinnier before i ate..then purged..& still fatter after purging wat i ate)
any way i guess i did ok today
i had 4 bottles of water (2L)
and 4 pieces of gum (20 cals) yuck...PLEASE someone tell me a good gum to by that has 0 cals but is still nice & minty
1 small apple (82 cals)
8 purple grapes (24 cals)
4 wholeweat weathin crackers (35 cals)
grand total = 161 cals i believe
thats below my limit (200 cals)
maybe tonite i will hav a few grapes
IMPORTANT...how many cals do u count for food that u hav already purged? do u still count some cals?
help please!!
im rly craving chocolate rite now...i need ur support ppl!
thanx & goodluck to everyone<3

Current Location: room
Current Mood: stressedstressed
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