take chances. ♥

tell the truth. date someone totally

wrong for you. say no.spend all ur

cash. say yes. sleep an entire day.

tell a story. fall in love.♥

get to know someone random. be

random. say iloveyou. laugh. cry.

get revenge. apologize.tell someone

how much they mean to you.drink

until the bottles empty. sing out

loud. tell them what u feel.

let someone kno wat there missing.

laugh until your stomach hurts.

LiVE LiFE

Current Mood: amused

add many more water bottles to my previous entry =]

and incase you were wondering...
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/0830.html

food:
2 calcium chews (40) staple
5 brussel cookies ahhhh (250) badddddd
1 skinny cow bar (110) yum
1 water bottle
asparagus (10) veggies =]
vegetable lo-mein (150) blah mom made me
dark chocolate (230) antioxidant!!
exercise:
last nite- walked around the neighborhood for a while =]
today- went on a cleaning frenzy..lifting heavy boxes..organizing everything..all day..lots of exercise =]
Total=790 cals
pretty good day =] ..minus the cookie binge
later lovelys<3<3

so i woke up around 10
got ready..which is a pain to do every morning when you hate the way you look =[
i wish i could just stay in bed & sleep forever & never look in a mirror =[
but thats not an option...so i got ready & studied for my math regents a little bit
my mom made me eat breakfast
so i had a little bit of kashi cereal (100)
and she made me drink a glass of orange juice w/ calcium (100)
not to mention the 2 calcium chews i hafta take every morning (40)
so then my ride came & it was off to take the math regents
it was hard..rly hard..well not that hard..but i didnt study nearly enough..& i made careless mistakes
but watever..im not guna worry about it..i tried & theres nothing i can do now
so i came home..its such a beautiful day out..the weather is amazing..i went outside with the dog for a little bit
my mom wasnt home..bad news..thats when i tend to binge..go on my little raves that i hate
so i started off with a nice healthy apple (70)
but that did nothing to satisfy to craving for pleasure..comfort..that sorta thing that i needed
so i had 2 slices of cheese (120)
still craving..
heated up some salmon (50)
then was craving my worst nightmare..CHOCOLATE
yea so as u can say...once i start eating..i cant stop..my mind says MORE MORE MORE
its a chemical imbalance in the brain...it wants to be filled with pleasure..it wants more..its WANTS WANTS WANTS
when i drink..i get wasted...to the point where i need to call 911...bc my mind tells me MORE MORE MORE
im trying to avoid drinking
when i smoke...my mind tells me MORE MORE...trying to avoid that too
when i cut...CANT STOP KEEP GOING...trying to avoid that as well
im sure that if i had access to drugs i would be a freakin junkie!! bc i cant stop anything...i need need need..i wish i could just be happy..just be satisfied..but i cant..i cant do it on my own..i need something..alcohol..drugs..pain..ANYTHING..but the recent thing is food..and food has become a drug for me..i cant hav a normal relationship with anything anymore..im a substance abuser..and when i say substance..i mean anything..im an abuser..im always empty..always needing to be temporarily satisfied with something that will leave me even hungrier..not physically hungry..but that will leave my mind hungrier for more...so anyway...back to my day..
i was craving chocolate
so i NEEDED it
i searched the house
became desperate
searched all the draws
and FINALLY i found a bag of chocolate truffels..a whole closed bag in the back of a cabinet in my living room..i think it was a christmas gift..so ofc i take the whole bag..bring it into my room..(my cave of all evils)..and i start chowing down..wanting more so i cant multitask..this chocolate was the only thing that mattered at the moment..and i couldnt keep my hands off of it till it was gone...the WHOLE bag..and once it was gone,,(880) cals later..(OMGOMGOMG)ughhh that disgusts me..its so painful to say 880 cals..UUUGGGGGHHHHHH...my mom finally came home & it was time for me to go to my therapist...so i went..had a water bottle...(i had more water today jsut forgot to write that)...so my therapy session was scary.,..she put me in a state of hypnosis & brought me to the doctors office (mentally) & "got my blood drawn"...it was bad..i had to do it multiple times...n this may sound dumb since i didnt rly get any blood drawn..but its all in my mind..and it is a deathly phobia for me..and it was rly hard for me to do..i had to fight back tears..so she wanted me to schedule an appt to actually get my blood drawn TMM MORNING...im sry lady but im not getting over it that quick!! u expect me to overcome my extreme fear in one session?? i dont think soo!!!!! so i went along with it...didnt scedule an appt to get my blood drawn...still terrified of the thought of it..& that was unproductive
so i came home..feeling sick from the chocolate binge..and my sister made me a burrito without even asking so ofc i had to eat it..(50 cals)...now i feel even sicker...i want to purge sooo bad but i cant..i am sticking to my promise..i will NOT binge....i want to SOOO BADDDD AHHHHHHHHHHH...its killing me..then i had bad diarhhea (sry..graphic)...bc of the bad foods my body isnt used to...and now i still feel sick..have a massive headache..and am feeling rly anxious...well this entry is extremely long...i hafta go call my friend bc i promised her id hang out..if she cant im goin to the beach with my loves...im hopin i go to the beach even tho i love my friend b/c i havnt been there in a while..and my love is guna be there =]
later lovelys <3<3
oo by the way...cal intake for today = 1410
OOOOOOMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG
i havnt had that many cals in the longest timeee
like amonth
that is soooo disgusting
the chocolate def. did the damage
i am not eating anymore today
i am not eating tmm
i am exercising as much as possible
im gross
i suck
the end =]

Current Mood: aggravated

1 whole weat waffle (90)
1 water bottle
1 small piece of salmon (50)
1 cup applesauce (100)
4 small latkes (200) yikes
1 cookie (80 cals) bad bad bad
1 water bottle
1 water bottle
vegetable lomein (100)
2 dixie cups (200) badbadbadbadbadbad

TOTAL = 820

horrribleeeeeee
wayyyyyy too many cals
yuck yuck yuck
im gross
i want to purge
i cant purge
i hafta stop binging
since i cant purge
bc then i will be fat
ahhhhhhhhhh
i cant wait till i start working
i wont be home all day
so i wont eat all day
yayyy =]
& ill be running around all day in the hot sun...which means i will be burning off lots of cals =]
im soo excited i cant wait
my math regents is tmm
i still havnt studied yet
why?
bc im dumbbbbbbbbb
bye lovelys<3

Current Mood: guilty

skinny cow icecream (140 cals ugh)
couple handfuls of honey bunches of oats cereal (120 cals ugh)
5 water bottles
banana (90 cals)
sweet potato (54 cals)
chicken (50 cals)
salad-lettuce,cherry tomatoes,peppers w/ ranch dressing (50 cals)
3 cookies (150 cals ughhh)
1 walnut brownie (100 cals ughhhh)
glass of skim milk (80 cals)
TOTAL = 834 cals omg omg omg omg
wow im totally freaking out
too many cals too many cals grosssssssssss
so as u can c...sweets are my weakness..especially when my mom makes them n stuffs them in my face =[ ughh i wish they never existed..they scream FATTTTT ugh
and on top of how horrible i feel for eating all that crap...im laying down on the couch studying for my dumbass global regents that im guna bomb..& my dad goes..."look at that stomach hanging out!! it must be the brownies!!" ughhhh yyy does he need to make comments like that?i already feel horrible...that just makes it even worse =[ so normally i would go purge after consuming all that crap..especially after my dad made that comment...but im not guna..its bad for you & i promised my best friend i wouldnt...so yea ugh all i wanna do rite now is purge soo badly but i cant...i feel like imgoin through freakin withdrawal...it sux majorly..i dont wanna be fat..but i dont want to be bulimic either...so i will just hafta deal.....so today was a nice day at my friends pool with all my best friends...my bestfriend/boyim in love with rode his bike to my house & then we walked together to my other best friends house..it took 1 hr...it was rly far away..a whole lot of exercise...but it was nice out & it felt good to exercise & work up a sweat & get some color & spend some quality time with my love =] so then i went swimming for a while...sooo nice...so that was more exercise...& tanned for a while...sweat off a bunch of cals...& got great color =]...i was uncomfortable being in a bikini for the first time this summer..but i got over it after a while..i ate a lot infront of my friends so they wouldnt think i was lying about trying to overcome my e.d....so that sucked..i felt like i had to constantly shove food in my mouth so they would get off my back..so anyway..today was another fat day..& im super anxious & stressed about regents..but cant wait to get them over with..later loves <3<3

someone just instant messaged me with the s/n jabeth45
i am so sry but my computer went all out of wack on me like it usually does..& i dont kno who that s/n is
pls dont take it personally & im rly sry...but i would rly appreciate it if whoever that is would reply to this post & tell me
thanks<3<3

ok so i just got home from a doctors appointment...here are my new stats:

5'3 1/2 (50th percentile for height...yayyy i grew an inch =])
106 lbs (25th percentile in weight..=[ boo..that made me upset =[)
BMI: 18.8 (=[ boo..im not even considered underweight..the underweight BMI is lower than 18.5 ughh)
but if i lose 2 lbs then my BMI is 18.4..which is considered underweight..im weight pretty much changes daily so yea

anyway..regarding my health..i got bad news...my doctor thinks that im anemic..i think i am too because i have all the symptoms..it makes sense..this rly sux..i hafta get bloodwork done...i hav such a deathly phobia of bloodwork its horrible...just tlkaing about it or thinking about it or seeing blood or needles makes me cry..pass out..stop breathing..all of that..so yea im pretty much freaking out a lot..i saw my therapist aftermy checkup & shes guna start working with me on getting over my phobia..its guna be along process & im soo scared..ugh im soo anxious now..anyway..im off to the beach with my best friends..including my best guy friend that im in love with along with my friends big brother that i have a thing with currently..this should be interesting..i need some support everyone!! is there anyone else that is anemic or going through something similar? thanks<3

Current Mood: distressed

...that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.

...that when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint to mar its virgin purity.

...that I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.

i just purged up my dinner of shrimp scampi w/ angel hair pasta & salad w/ tomatoes 7 ranch dressing
it took me soooo long to purge it all up..imust hav eaten a lot
it took me about 7 times to get all the pasta out & i dont even kno if i got it all out
i only got some of the salad out
i wish i could jus purge allll my dinner out at once
i still feel fat & disgusting..even tho i just purged everything i ate
why does this happen? is it normal to still feel & look fat after purging? (i was skinnier before i ate..then purged..& still fatter after purging wat i ate)
any way i guess i did ok today
i had 4 bottles of water (2L)
and 4 pieces of gum (20 cals) yuck...PLEASE someone tell me a good gum to by that has 0 cals but is still nice & minty
1 small apple (82 cals)
8 purple grapes (24 cals)
4 wholeweat weathin crackers (35 cals)
grand total = 161 cals i believe
thats below my limit (200 cals)
maybe tonite i will hav a few grapes
IMPORTANT...how many cals do u count for food that u hav already purged? do u still count some cals?
help please!!
im rly craving chocolate rite now...i need ur support ppl!
thanx & goodluck to everyone<3

Current Mood: stressed

hey everyone

how do u insert images into an entry?

thanx<3

Current Mood: ditzy

*~Basic Stuff~*
Real name: alyson
Nickname(s): lots
Hair color: dark brown
Height: 5'3
Shoe size: 7
Birthday: 4/7
Siblings and ages: sister-19
Living arrangements: mom&dad
Tattoo or piercing: ears
What’s on your mouse pad? laptop
What is your screen saver? dont kno
Can you touch you nose with your tongue? not all the way
Can your cross your eyes? mhm
Are you reading any books now? havnt had time

*~Right Now~*

Wearing: pjsss
Eating/Drinking: water
Listening to/Watching: the rain<3
Thinking: about hobag<3 =]
Talking to: ryan a minute ago
Weather is: rainy<3

*~Favorites~*
Shampoo: garnier
Color: green pink brown turquoise
Food: chocolate unfortunately
Ice cream: Strawberry haagendaaz unfortunately
Drink: water
Alcoholic drink: vodka with cherry limeade
Movie: my best friends wedding<3
Actor: jared padalecki is a hottie<3
Actress: julia roberts<3
Cartoon Character: minnie!
Song: green eyes<3
Artist: coldplay
Book: angelina ballerina hha
Animal: puuppyyy
Subject: hmm math english psychology
Month: april
Day of the week: saturday
Hobby: friends<3
Word/Phrase: HOBAG
Place to shop: hmmm
Parent: dont hava fav
Person to talk to: recently...my hobag<3 & friends
Games: sports?
Flower: hmm the pretty one matty picked for me =]
Sport: running..tennis..soccer
Girl’s names: lexi
Guy’s names: michael
Place to be kissed: hmmm
Place to be massaged: back

*~One or the Other~*
Summer/Winter: Summer
Night/Day: Night
Sunrise/Sunset: both
Hugs/Kisses: both
One night stands/Relationships: Relationships
Chocolate/Vanilla:chocolate
Gold/Silver: Silver
Meat/Veggies: Veggies
Light/Dark: Both
Love/Money: Love
Family/Career: both
Fat/Skinny: Skinny obviously 
Busy/Lazy: inbetween
Car/Bike: Both
Beach/Mountain: beach<3
Travel/Work: Travel
Right/Left: Right
1 Best Friend/100 'friends': 1 best friend

*~In the last 48 hours have you?~*

Cried: yea
Laughed: Yes
Helped someone: i think
Bought Something: i think
Gotten Sick: yea
Gone Out(movies, shopong, etc): Yea i think
Missed Someone: yea
Hugged Someone: Yea
Kissed Someone: Yea not on the lips
Said, “I Love You”: yea
Said, “I’m Sorry”: yea
Had a Serious Talk: yea
Fought With Someone: kinda
Meet Someone New: kinda
Cleaned or do any Housework: yea
Done any Yard work: no
Played with your pet: yea =]
Played with Siblings: No
Watched a Movie: Yea =]

*~Have You Ever – done or felt - as applies to question~*
Been drunk: Yes
Done drugs: no
Smoked: yes
Sky dived: No
Bungee jumped: No
Skipped school: Yea
Put something on fire (not in fireplaces): Yes.
Been hurt emotionally: ofc
Kept a secret from everyone: yea
Had an imaginary friend: no
Wanted to hook up with a friend: yea<3 definitely
Had a crush on a teacher: no
Ever thought an animated character was hot?: no
Been on stage: Yea
Been in love: maybe
Given someone else a bath: a dog
Gone Skinny Dipping: yea
Arrested: no
Hand Cuffed: No
Scared: Yea
Depressed: Yea
Confused: Yea
In a Fight: yea
Contact Fight: yea
In Debt: nah
Sick: yea
In the hospital: yea
Insomniac: yea
On illegal drugs: No
On TV: kinda
On Probation: No
Under House Arrest: Nope
Grounded:  nah
Happy: Yea
Too busy: Yea
Hurt: Yea
Ignored: Yea
Ugly:  all the time
Lost: Yea
Forgotten: Yea
Used: yea
Clueless: Yea
Dumb: oh yea
Fat: every second
Helpless: Yea
Ruined: Yea
Pretty: i wish
Loved: Yea
Annoying: mhm

*~Would You Ever~*
Eat a bug?: Ewww no
Bungee jump?: Maybe
Hang glide?: yea
Kill someone?: Noooooo.
Kiss someone of the same sex?: If i was drunk
Have sex with someone of the same sex?: wats in it for me & ^
Walk on hot coals?: No
Go out with someone for their looks?: maybe
For their reputation?: eh
Be a vegetarian?: I am
Wear plaid with stripes?: for money
IM a stranger?: Yea
Sing Karaoke?: drunk
Get drunk off your ass?: life story
Shoplift?: not into that
Run a red light?: dangerous but every1 does it
Star in a porn video?: No
Dye your hair blue?: Nooo
Be on Survivor?: no
Wear makeup in public?: duh
Not wear makeup in public?: Yea
Cheat on a test?:Yea
Make someone cry?: Noo
Date someone more than 10 years older than you: depends
Stay up all night?: Yea

*~Do You Believe in~*
Yourself: i try
Your Friends: Depends
Angels: eh
Santa Claus: no
Tooth Fairy: Nope
Ghosts: no
UFO’s:no
Fate/Destiny: Kinda

*~First Thing That Comes to Mind~*

Red: rose
Canada: leaf
America: flag
Cows: grass
Summer: soon
Night: light
School: book
Family: home
Socks: match
Fun: crazy
Usher: nose
Computer: aim
Bed: Sleep
Foreign: country
*~Friends~*
Who have you known the longest: lex
The loudest: depends
The shyest: ^
The craziest: ^ lex or hol
Who gives the best advice: depends...bar
Who would you go to, to help you hide a body: ahhhh
Who do you cry to: bests
Would get you the most drunk: myself
Will always be in your life: bests hopefully
Have the most memories with: bests
Go to the bar with: bests
Wish you could get to know better: dan =]

*~Final/Other Questions~*

What’s the last movie/TV show you watched? tyra show haha
What type of car do you wish to have? idk
If you were a color, what color would you be? Red
Are you too shy to ask someone out? Depends
What’s your biggest fear? needles snakes tampons haha
What are you afraid of(can be same or different from one above)? ^^
What’s the best feeling in the world? bliss
The worst? restlessness
Are you a romantic? yea but shy'
Do you consider yourself lucky? in some ways
If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? too many'
Do you like filling these out? eh
Do you think this one long one is a good idea? too long
Do you have any other final comments to add? i should go to sleep

ok so do to my situation...ive realized that its best for now for me to be mia more than ana..i think i'll get better results bc im not able to be totally ana rite now due to friends & parents...the only problem is...after binging this afternoon/nite at my friends house i went into her bathroom & weighed myself to find out i was 105...bleh..if i was 100 id be happy but imstillworkin towards my goal for 90 this summer..so anyway..after getting dissappointing results i tried to puke up my binge bc i felt gross...i sat on the floor over the toilet for so long & kept sticking my finger in the back ofmy throat touching mytonsils n everything..i kept gagging but i wouldnt throw up & it frustrated me soomuch..nowall this grosss stuff is stuck in my body..i want it out...i need help from a fellow mia...how do u get urself to throw up fast? nothings working for me...i would rly appreciate some tips...thanx<3

i was too busy raving about my problems today that i forgot current stats..i will jus put some info...im 16...5'3..i dont kno my exact weight cuz my scale broke =[..i cant ask my mom for another scale bc she will get suspicious of me but i will try to convince my sister to take me out to buy a new one..for now im guna hafta stick with using my friends scale whenever im at her house..my last weight was 103 but my weight changes soo much do to my constant binge/fast periods..i was fasting for a while & i think i miteee hav reached 100...but today i binged & i think im over 105 again..yea it sux..i rly wish i new my exact weight...my ltw goal is 80...that probly wont happen tillcollege when theres no1 forcing me to eat but for this summer imhoping to reach a goal of 90..it will be easier this summer bc im working full time at a day camp so i will get plentyyyy of exercise..& i wont hav time to eat & my parents wont be there to force me to eat..yayy im excited to be thin again..yea and if any1 hasnt noticed..im pretty bipolar...not diagnosed or anything but yea im rly bipolar so sry about that..think thin everyone! <3 oh and i need a new motto to tell myself...any1 hav any good ones for me?? p.s. sry for all the extremely long posts

Ugh I feel so fat & disgusting. I was doing so well on my fast & I was hardly eating anything..one piece of food per day at most...I got down to less than 105 pounds & was motivated to reach my first goal of 100 pounds..then today I was really stressed & depressed...I went on an eating binge & I wish i could throw up but I have problems with that...I just want to get rid of all the food I took intomy body today..it is so disgusting..i hate binges...i feel so incredibly fat..im guna hafta fast for a long time to make up for this..i was looking at pictures before & got mroe depressed...i want so badly to feel thin & look like those pictures..i want to be a skeleton...i want to just cut all of this fat off of me..I hate the way i look so much & im too ugly to be fat..i hafta atleasttt be skinny to make up for my ugliness...i really hate myself right now & just want to escape..Im making a promise to myself right now to not eat for a while...i really really want to succeed at my weight goals since i cant succeed at anything else...im tired of disappointing myself...im changing my long term weight goal to 80-85 lbs because my old goal isnt good enough anymore...well i hafta go do 3 million projects so i can go to sleep..my favorite part of the day..when my mind shuts off & i can escape the world for a few hours..i wish it was more than a few hours but i never get enough sleep...i wish i could keep writing but my parents already hate me for being a drunk..if it were up to me right now id be doing coke cuz that makes u skinny..actually i would just be doing it to get high bc i want to get my mind out of here..

Current Mood: discontent

hi everyone...this is only my 2nd day on this site but i would love some support...im starting a fast until friday or so..who would like tojoin me? support would be appreciated..thanx! <3

Current Mood: peaceful

i just created this today & i rly dont kno how to do much. any help would be highly appreciated. I would also like to join some pro-ana communities for some thinspiration. thanks!