so i woke up around 10
got ready..which is a pain to do every morning when you hate the way you look =[
i wish i could just stay in bed & sleep forever & never look in a mirror =[
but thats not an option...so i got ready & studied for my math regents a little bit
my mom made me eat breakfast
so i had a little bit of kashi cereal (100)
and she made me drink a glass of orange juice w/ calcium (100)
not to mention the 2 calcium chews i hafta take every morning (40)
so then my ride came & it was off to take the math regents
it was hard..rly hard..well not that hard..but i didnt study nearly enough..& i made careless mistakes
but watever..im not guna worry about it..i tried & theres nothing i can do now
so i came home..its such a beautiful day out..the weather is amazing..i went outside with the dog for a little bit
my mom wasnt home..bad news..thats when i tend to binge..go on my little raves that i hate
so i started off with a nice healthy apple (70)
but that did nothing to satisfy to craving for pleasure..comfort..that sorta thing that i needed
so i had 2 slices of cheese (120)
still craving..
heated up some salmon (50)
then was craving my worst nightmare..CHOCOLATE
yea so as u can say...once i start eating..i cant stop..my mind says MORE MORE MORE
its a chemical imbalance in the brain...it wants to be filled with pleasure..it wants more..its WANTS WANTS WANTS
when i drink..i get wasted...to the point where i need to call 911...bc my mind tells me MORE MORE MORE
im trying to avoid drinking
when i smoke...my mind tells me MORE MORE...trying to avoid that too
when i cut...CANT STOP KEEP GOING...trying to avoid that as well
im sure that if i had access to drugs i would be a freakin junkie!! bc i cant stop anything...i need need need..i wish i could just be happy..just be satisfied..but i cant..i cant do it on my own..i need something..alcohol..drugs..pain..ANYTHING..but the recent thing is food..and food has become a drug for me..i cant hav a normal relationship with anything anymore..im a substance abuser..and when i say substance..i mean anything..im an abuser..im always empty..always needing to be temporarily satisfied with something that will leave me even hungrier..not physically hungry..but that will leave my mind hungrier for more...so anyway...back to my day..
i was craving chocolate
so i NEEDED it
i searched the house
became desperate
searched all the draws
and FINALLY i found a bag of chocolate truffels..a whole closed bag in the back of a cabinet in my living room..i think it was a christmas gift..so ofc i take the whole bag..bring it into my room..(my cave of all evils)..and i start chowing down..wanting more so i cant multitask..this chocolate was the only thing that mattered at the moment..and i couldnt keep my hands off of it till it was gone...the WHOLE bag..and once it was gone,,(880) cals later..(OMGOMGOMG)ughhh that disgusts me..its so painful to say 880 cals..UUUGGGGGHHHHHH...my mom finally came home & it was time for me to go to my therapist...so i went..had a water bottle...(i had more water today jsut forgot to write that)...so my therapy session was scary.,..she put me in a state of hypnosis & brought me to the doctors office (mentally) & "got my blood drawn"...it was bad..i had to do it multiple times...n this may sound dumb since i didnt rly get any blood drawn..but its all in my mind..and it is a deathly phobia for me..and it was rly hard for me to do..i had to fight back tears..so she wanted me to schedule an appt to actually get my blood drawn TMM MORNING...im sry lady but im not getting over it that quick!! u expect me to overcome my extreme fear in one session?? i dont think soo!!!!! so i went along with it...didnt scedule an appt to get my blood drawn...still terrified of the thought of it..& that was unproductive
so i came home..feeling sick from the chocolate binge..and my sister made me a burrito without even asking so ofc i had to eat it..(50 cals)...now i feel even sicker...i want to purge sooo bad but i cant..i am sticking to my promise..i will NOT binge....i want to SOOO BADDDD AHHHHHHHHHHH...its killing me..then i had bad diarhhea (sry..graphic)...bc of the bad foods my body isnt used to...and now i still feel sick..have a massive headache..and am feeling rly anxious...well this entry is extremely long...i hafta go call my friend bc i promised her id hang out..if she cant im goin to the beach with my loves...im hopin i go to the beach even tho i love my friend b/c i havnt been there in a while..and my love is guna be there =]
later lovelys <3<3
oo by the way...cal intake for today = 1410
OOOOOOMMMMMMMMGGGGGGG
i havnt had that many cals in the longest timeee
like amonth
that is soooo disgusting
the chocolate def. did the damage
i am not eating anymore today
i am not eating tmm
i am exercising as much as possible
im gross
i suck
the end =]

Current Mood: aggravated